It was so good to be able to talk with you on the phone tonight. Though I haven't really expressed this on the blog yet, as you know, I have had many mixed emotions the past few weeks. I would like to say that I am not bothered by it and always have the eternal perspective in view. Such would not be honest to say, however.
At times, I am angry about the upcoming deployment and our pending separation. I have feelings of anxiety about it at times as well. I would be lying if I said that I never have thoughts about the potential for harm to happen. This is unlikely, I know, but these thoughts still cross my mind at times. The biggest concern I have isn't so much for my own well being (though I am somewhat ashamed to admit that at times, I am concerned for this too) but more so is a concern that you could be left without the emotional or physical support you need... When these thoughts are present, there are then feelings of mild self-loathing that I would even have such feelings... after all, I'm not the one out there "pulling the trigger..." I know we committed to something, so I don't really have any specific feelings of anger to any one individual, but just that our world is such that this situation even exists at all. I don't like writing these emotions and feelings down because I feel like you need me to be strong. However, talking with you has helped me to realize that seeing where I am weak may help strengthen you as well.
I try to keep an eternal perspective on things and do feel comfort when able to view the situation from this mountain top. This assurance does predominate over feelings of fear, anxiety or depression that do sometimes cross my mind. However, I must admit that at times my natural man takes over as well and I am certainly not excited about the coming growing experience. I know it is a privelidge (and feel honored as well) to be able to serve those young men of ours who are putting far more on the line than I and those families which are sacrificing far more than ours. When realizing this, there are sometimes feelings of shame that I even would be upset or dissapointed about being deployed... though why shouldn't I... being away from my children and wife who need me as well?
I know... a confusing array of contradictory emotions and thoughts. Part of the human experience?
Your blog entries have deeply touched me on multiple occasions. I am thankful you are able to express yourself so eloquently. Hopefully, the entries I share will be such that you are able to draw closer to me as well. I don't think I am as good at writing what I am feeling and thinking as you are. I will work on it.
In the words of an infantry man a couple of days ago, "Guys don't talk about how they feel."
Maybe this is part of the reason why as a neurologist I see many conversion disorders come through my doors (difficulty walking, seeing, remembering, etc.). Conversion disorders by definition are psychogenic in origin. If emotional stressors aren't expressed, defined and dealt with consciously, they will emerge subconsciously.
I hope you have a wonderful evening. Sorry to hear about the 0830 church next year... what a year huh?! A part of me smiles when I think of how you love getting up in the morning... Again contradictory emotions though. I am only smiling because I love you. I really do feel bad about how much harder this is going to make your Sundays.
Take care and I will see you in a few days.
Love,
Me
p.s. Nothing beats writing in this room with people looking over my shoulder looking at what I am writing. Makes me feel GRRREAAT!! (you have to imagine Tony the Tiger now and a bowl of frosted flakes:)
Love you.
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