Dear Ja,
So in concern for Benjamin acting out, I've done a few things. I'm not claiming any of my reactions in this first paragraph are correct but it's what I did: First, I got frustrated. Last night I took him by the arms and forced him to do his zone (dustpan the piles) Then I took him up to bed with a, "you must be too tired to work." Of course, during all this he didn't express himself with words only screaming and kicking. That afternoon he took a good swipe at my Navivity set causing some to fall onto the floor. My REaction was to throw him into the nearest closet and shut the door with a, "you can't be here if you're not behaving good." Later I talked to him on my lap when he (and I) was calm. When I probed my 'what's wrong' and 'what do you need', he burst into tears and cried, "I have nothing to do!"
Now let me back track. I've been praying about this Ben dilema for a few days now since he wouldn't talk with you on the phone. In the middle of the night at 3am I woke up and thought about his primary teacher. He comes out of Primary with a treat each week and when I ask him 'what's that for' he replies, "when I talk." Now I know this dear Primary teacher had been seeking inspiration for her students because I got the same answer. I need to reward him immediately when he talks and expresses himself through words. This approach would not have worked with my other children because they would have become spoiled brats since they expressed everything they wanted but he has a difficult time putting feelings into words. Besides, this was God's idea, not mine. With that. . .
After suggesting lots of things he could do he replied that he wants another star book. (educational books with a sticker chart in the back). I praised him for expressing (and pinpointing) what he wanted and took him that SAME day to buy 3 workbooks. When I told the owner she spoke out with a, "you should try to taper him off these books and re-direct him to other things because I learned in my early childhood development class about obsessive compulsive. . . ." I wish I could finish her sentence but that's when my eyes began glazing over and my ears felt like Whinnie the Pooh's stuffed with fluff. When she was done blabbing, I came back to earth, smiled with a "if my boy wants an educational book, he's going to get an educational book. I can only imagine her judgement of my mothering.
So. . .conclusion. Ben gets whatever he wants when he calmly asks for it. I know . . .sounds crazy but this was the answer for him in the meantime until he becomes a more confident, fluent talker. Since then, he's been content enough and even passed up playing wii to cut and paste out of his book. This morning he had that crying look on his face again during breakfast. I reminded him about Primary and his rewards when he talks. He said, voice trembling, "I want the purple jam not the orange kind." I praised him and, by golly, got the grape jelly out for him. So far. . . God has been right. He started pushing Eliza off her stool. I implored him to talk. Tight voice, "Liza you're in my seat." As Liza began explaining there are no assigned seats I gave her the words, "Okay Ben. Since you talked so good." Liza looked at me weird and moved. I thanked her. I know what's coming. . the kids are going to say I "give Ben whatever he wants!" I'm just waiting for it.
I'm trusting Him with this one even though the 'experts' may not agree with this approach. I asked Him and He answered so I'm just following through. So when you call do you agree he's allowed to not talk to you if that intimidates him too much but he needs to say to you in the phone, "I don't feel like talking right now." ? Hopefully, taking the phone and talking in it about how he doesn't want to talk is just a step in the right direction. Will you pray about it and let me know if there are any additions to this approach?
Luv, me.
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