Dear Ja,
Wow! 2 blogs in one day. . .talk about setting records. Just came back from the church building. Got the kids up and ready and out the door in time for church at 8:30am to see no one in the church parking lot. Come to find out it's stake conference today at 10am. Came home informing the kids to stay in their Sunday clothes, went up stairs and there was Ben playing in his underwear. The kids were estatic about coming home. Ahhhh life. I really need to get some freinds. This never would have happened if I was being more social.
Luv, Shan
PS I purposely took out the beginning of the scripture above ('retire to thy bed early') because I didn't do that first half of the verse. It still counts. Uhhhh.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Phillipians 4:11 "Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content."
Dear Ja,
I think I set a record. I'm getting ready for Terilynne to come play on Monday for a week, so Saturday I spent the day doing laundry (so she'd have clean towels) and mopping the kitchen and bathroom floors. I felt success so I took the kids out for a movie. (Tangled: which may just be my new favorite disney movie). Coming home during bed-time routine, and within 10 minutes of eachother 2 toliets overflowed dumping gallons of you-know-what water on my pine-sol floors. I put the kids to bed first and came back to clean. How did I clean it up? Well, with my newly washed and folded towels, of course. I have today to re-do everything (yeah, Sabbath) but I was sad.
I was sad because you, my best friend, weren't there squealing and laughing with me about about it. (well maybe I'd be the only one doing the squealing). But then I was sad that I was sad as I battled my mixed emotions almost laughing outloud but having no one there to even hear me laugh. Wanting to scream out natural responses (all rated PG of course) but no one there to answer back. So I cleaned up silently. That felt out of character for me and made me sad.
I'm realizing it doesn't matter where you live but the people you're living with. It's not the days we pass through, but the people that pass through our days. Thank you for being that person.
Luv, Shan
PS: yes, I did pay the bills
I think I set a record. I'm getting ready for Terilynne to come play on Monday for a week, so Saturday I spent the day doing laundry (so she'd have clean towels) and mopping the kitchen and bathroom floors. I felt success so I took the kids out for a movie. (Tangled: which may just be my new favorite disney movie). Coming home during bed-time routine, and within 10 minutes of eachother 2 toliets overflowed dumping gallons of you-know-what water on my pine-sol floors. I put the kids to bed first and came back to clean. How did I clean it up? Well, with my newly washed and folded towels, of course. I have today to re-do everything (yeah, Sabbath) but I was sad.
I was sad because you, my best friend, weren't there squealing and laughing with me about about it. (well maybe I'd be the only one doing the squealing). But then I was sad that I was sad as I battled my mixed emotions almost laughing outloud but having no one there to even hear me laugh. Wanting to scream out natural responses (all rated PG of course) but no one there to answer back. So I cleaned up silently. That felt out of character for me and made me sad.
I'm realizing it doesn't matter where you live but the people you're living with. It's not the days we pass through, but the people that pass through our days. Thank you for being that person.
Luv, Shan
PS: yes, I did pay the bills
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Dear Shandra,
I already miss you too. Thankfully, we will be together again at the end of the month. You know... the last few weeks (and even months), I feel like a whole new dimension has opened up in our relationship that I wasn't fully aware even existed before. It has been pretty amazing. I feel like I am beginning to better see and feel life through your eyes. Doing so has been somewhat of a bittersweet experience, but I would not trade the insights you have shared with me about your viewpoints and perspectives for anything. I promise I will always do my best to be there for you, strengthen and support you. Thank you for helping to make this whole experience a stepping stone and thank you for trusting me so much.
I love you. We will be back together soon!
Jason
I already miss you too. Thankfully, we will be together again at the end of the month. You know... the last few weeks (and even months), I feel like a whole new dimension has opened up in our relationship that I wasn't fully aware even existed before. It has been pretty amazing. I feel like I am beginning to better see and feel life through your eyes. Doing so has been somewhat of a bittersweet experience, but I would not trade the insights you have shared with me about your viewpoints and perspectives for anything. I promise I will always do my best to be there for you, strengthen and support you. Thank you for helping to make this whole experience a stepping stone and thank you for trusting me so much.
I love you. We will be back together soon!
Jason
"It shouldn’t matter when the call comes. It shouldn’t matter where we are asked to go." Robert L. Simpson
Dear Ja,
Miss ya already. We take you to the airport in 2 hours. I'll miss not being able to communicate to you at all for this month while your gone. Good luck out in the field and please stay warm. I'm still going to write to you while your gone so you can read them when you get back.
Luv, me.
Miss ya already. We take you to the airport in 2 hours. I'll miss not being able to communicate to you at all for this month while your gone. Good luck out in the field and please stay warm. I'm still going to write to you while your gone so you can read them when you get back.
Luv, me.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Dear Shandra,
One of the reasons I was attracted to you was because of your wisdom... I am coming to realize more and more this is due at least in part to the perspective or vision of life you have been blessed with... You see things from a broader viewpoint... which in turn lends itself to a healthy longterm perspective, better parenting and healthier prioritizing of what matters most in life. You are very good at seeing the forest.
Admittedly, I am quite good at seeing and comprehending the details... the trees... However, this is often at the expense of forgetting about the forest, getting caught up in the here and now... This type of thinking can be very good when it comes to establishing a neurological diagnosis, but also can lend itself to sub-optimal parenting, and decreased street smarts.
I admire you a great deal and would not change anything about you. I need your strengths. You are very intelligent. The world measures intelligence on how well an individual can describe trees. (Academic tests by their very nature are written by tree analyzers for tree analyzers). There are very few measures out there that analyze how well an individual is at comprehending the forest. A laser beam may be very impressive... a sharp pinpoint of light that can cut down trees. A "sharp tool." However, it will never illuminate a forest. Nor will the light that illuminates a forest cut down too many trees.
There are countless brilliant psychologists and psychiatrists that are lousy parents and spouses... they see the trees great but can't step back to see the forest for fear of losing sight of the trees. They have difficulty applying the knowledge they know, because life does not happen one tree at a time.
An aerial perspective often matters far more than knowing the minutiae on the ground. I believe in mortality one can usually only gain the full benefits of either perspective at the expense of the loss of control of the other perspective. Those that see the forest realize they are letting go of their control of the view of individual trees... and are ultimately OK with that (even if they sometimes beat themselves up about the "deficiencies" that result from their lack of a "tree view"). Those of us that focus primarily on the trees often don't comprehend the "forest level control" that we fail to seize because we often don't get far enough off of the ground to even realize that there is a higher and broader level of control that can be gained only by letting go of the control of the here and now... the details. Which perspective is better? I guess it depends on the situation.
In your Dad's business, I don't know how good he is at looking at individual trees. However, I do know that he is excellent at comprehending the forest... and this has led to a great deal of economic success. I would be willing to bet that there were many "tree analyzers" in his classes in college that probably had better grades but that have not been blessed with near the same level of economic success. I view your father as a very intelligent man. So do many others. I believe you have been blessed with much of this same type of intelligence.
One of the reasons I was attracted to you was because of your wisdom... I am coming to realize more and more this is due at least in part to the perspective or vision of life you have been blessed with... You see things from a broader viewpoint... which in turn lends itself to a healthy longterm perspective, better parenting and healthier prioritizing of what matters most in life. You are very good at seeing the forest.
Admittedly, I am quite good at seeing and comprehending the details... the trees... However, this is often at the expense of forgetting about the forest, getting caught up in the here and now... This type of thinking can be very good when it comes to establishing a neurological diagnosis, but also can lend itself to sub-optimal parenting, and decreased street smarts.
I admire you a great deal and would not change anything about you. I need your strengths. You are very intelligent. The world measures intelligence on how well an individual can describe trees. (Academic tests by their very nature are written by tree analyzers for tree analyzers). There are very few measures out there that analyze how well an individual is at comprehending the forest. A laser beam may be very impressive... a sharp pinpoint of light that can cut down trees. A "sharp tool." However, it will never illuminate a forest. Nor will the light that illuminates a forest cut down too many trees.
There are countless brilliant psychologists and psychiatrists that are lousy parents and spouses... they see the trees great but can't step back to see the forest for fear of losing sight of the trees. They have difficulty applying the knowledge they know, because life does not happen one tree at a time.
An aerial perspective often matters far more than knowing the minutiae on the ground. I believe in mortality one can usually only gain the full benefits of either perspective at the expense of the loss of control of the other perspective. Those that see the forest realize they are letting go of their control of the view of individual trees... and are ultimately OK with that (even if they sometimes beat themselves up about the "deficiencies" that result from their lack of a "tree view"). Those of us that focus primarily on the trees often don't comprehend the "forest level control" that we fail to seize because we often don't get far enough off of the ground to even realize that there is a higher and broader level of control that can be gained only by letting go of the control of the here and now... the details. Which perspective is better? I guess it depends on the situation.
In your Dad's business, I don't know how good he is at looking at individual trees. However, I do know that he is excellent at comprehending the forest... and this has led to a great deal of economic success. I would be willing to bet that there were many "tree analyzers" in his classes in college that probably had better grades but that have not been blessed with near the same level of economic success. I view your father as a very intelligent man. So do many others. I believe you have been blessed with much of this same type of intelligence.
You bring a great deal of balance to my life. I need your strengths and am constantly learning from you. I hope to become more like you. Thank you. Together we are one and will continue to strengthen and develop each other.
I really enjoyed reading Isaac's quotes with you that you posted under his section of this blog.
Many of his quotes had to be at least as good as any "deep thoughts" I have heard or read. I loved laughing and laughing with you tonight! Thank you for capturing and preserving the essence of the joy of parenthood. It means so much to me.
I love you, my Dear.
Me
p.s. I haven't forgotten about the back rubs while I'm gone.
1 Nephi 1:1 “…and having seen many afflictions in the course of my days, nevertheless, having been highly favored of the Lord in all my days"
Dear Ja,
I wanted to tell you my enlightenment but you're in bed now, so you'll get a letter instead:
I've been disturbed all day toward myself feeling like I was. . .well. . . stupid. Not bright. Oblivious, naive, not the sharpest tool in the shed. It started while waiting for the lesson to begin in Relief Society. One sister was sitting next to me, the other in front, turned around talking. She commented on my pretty turquoise necklace and matching earrings. I smiled and touched around my neck excusing myself for them with a, "thank you, all my necklaces were lost in the move so Jason's stocking me back up now, guess he felt sorry for me. . ." blah something or another. The two sisters looked at each other funny and with a confused look questioned me with a, "why didn't you put in a claim?" I just responded with a 'it was my fault, they must have rolled it up in paper and I guess I threw the packing paper out without unrolling it.' They probed further with, "Did you see them roll it up in paper?" "Well, no, I wasn't upstairs." They looked at each other again and concluded with, "That would be a very easy thing to steal since it's so small to fit in their pocket and why didn't you hide or pack it yourself?" I felt foolish and all the above mentioned adjectives.
I began reading up on Joseph in Egypt and his accusations against him, we the reader know what really happened but he didn't utter a word of blame towards those others though. In fact, contrary to others attacking him he was highly favored of his father Jacob, Potipher and his wife, Pharaoh but ultimately God himself. Being favored of the Lord didn't lessen his trials though.
Look at Nephi. He was nearly murdered on five separate occasions. Four times by his own brothers and once by Laban. Nephi lived on a near starvation diet for 8 years in the desert and struggled across 2,500 miles of wilderness. He built a ship with opposition and ridicule from his brothers and set up two civilizations. Yet he doesn't say it in those words either. He says 'nevertheless being highly favored of the Lord.'
Why am I mentioning these great men? Well in my searching for an answer to defend my character flaw, I wanted to know what God thought about it. In my searching I found the word magnanimous spirit. The definition being:
Generous in forgiving; eschewing resentment or revenge; unselfish, big heart, generous in forgiving an insult or injury, free from petty resentfulness or vindictiveness.
It was confirmed to me that so many of the scripture stories of people that endured hardships or trials never even pinpointed that it was so. They never victimized themselves. They stated what happened as facts, continued to give thanks and praise to the Lord and we never read the blame or judgements casted upon those that gave offense. Does this mean they were naive? Oblivious? Not so sharp concluding that they couldn't SEE being attacked, stolen from or persecuted? Nay but they each had a magnanimous spirit. They were highly favored of the Lord. That natural man is put off and His grace cloaks us with peace. Even though Nephi had seen many trials in his life he still felt highly favored of the Lord. Even though Joseph was accused, sold, slaved, he was highly favored of the Lord. Do we recognize the great blessings we receive from the Lord in spite of our trials?
I too have been highly favored of the Lord. My not seeing the possibility of a crime against me wasn't a sign of weakness. On the contrary, it was the Lord's grace upon me. It was strength from Him that I didn't even realize he had cloaked over me out of protection for me. Gracing me with His favor upon me.
I was also reading up on Rudyard Kipling's quotes as I like to know about the author we are reading from (Currently it's Jungle Book) and he has a few favoring women:
"God could not be everywhere, and therefore he made mothers."
"A woman's guess is much more accurate than a man's certainty."
"An ounce of mother is worth a pound of clergy."
But the one that hit me was the one that confirmed wisdom instead of stupidity:
"I always prefer to believe the best of everybody, it saves so much trouble." ~Rudyard Kipling.
Thank you Lord for this gift. I recognize now it's not a curse or weakness to not think like the world would expect me to.
I think if we each look at ourselves and the qualities that we posses, those that we were practically born with, the ones that are different from others, we would see it as a favor from God and not a sign of weakness. Making us all originally different was done on purpose from the perfect woodcarver Himself.
Luv, me
PS It was so fun to be on vacation with you for 2 weeks for Christmas before you need to leave again in 1 week for another month.
I wanted to tell you my enlightenment but you're in bed now, so you'll get a letter instead:
I've been disturbed all day toward myself feeling like I was. . .well. . . stupid. Not bright. Oblivious, naive, not the sharpest tool in the shed. It started while waiting for the lesson to begin in Relief Society. One sister was sitting next to me, the other in front, turned around talking. She commented on my pretty turquoise necklace and matching earrings. I smiled and touched around my neck excusing myself for them with a, "thank you, all my necklaces were lost in the move so Jason's stocking me back up now, guess he felt sorry for me. . ." blah something or another. The two sisters looked at each other funny and with a confused look questioned me with a, "why didn't you put in a claim?" I just responded with a 'it was my fault, they must have rolled it up in paper and I guess I threw the packing paper out without unrolling it.' They probed further with, "Did you see them roll it up in paper?" "Well, no, I wasn't upstairs." They looked at each other again and concluded with, "That would be a very easy thing to steal since it's so small to fit in their pocket and why didn't you hide or pack it yourself?" I felt foolish and all the above mentioned adjectives.
I began reading up on Joseph in Egypt and his accusations against him, we the reader know what really happened but he didn't utter a word of blame towards those others though. In fact, contrary to others attacking him he was highly favored of his father Jacob, Potipher and his wife, Pharaoh but ultimately God himself. Being favored of the Lord didn't lessen his trials though.
Look at Nephi. He was nearly murdered on five separate occasions. Four times by his own brothers and once by Laban. Nephi lived on a near starvation diet for 8 years in the desert and struggled across 2,500 miles of wilderness. He built a ship with opposition and ridicule from his brothers and set up two civilizations. Yet he doesn't say it in those words either. He says 'nevertheless being highly favored of the Lord.'
Why am I mentioning these great men? Well in my searching for an answer to defend my character flaw, I wanted to know what God thought about it. In my searching I found the word magnanimous spirit. The definition being:
Generous in forgiving; eschewing resentment or revenge; unselfish, big heart, generous in forgiving an insult or injury, free from petty resentfulness or vindictiveness.
It was confirmed to me that so many of the scripture stories of people that endured hardships or trials never even pinpointed that it was so. They never victimized themselves. They stated what happened as facts, continued to give thanks and praise to the Lord and we never read the blame or judgements casted upon those that gave offense. Does this mean they were naive? Oblivious? Not so sharp concluding that they couldn't SEE being attacked, stolen from or persecuted? Nay but they each had a magnanimous spirit. They were highly favored of the Lord. That natural man is put off and His grace cloaks us with peace. Even though Nephi had seen many trials in his life he still felt highly favored of the Lord. Even though Joseph was accused, sold, slaved, he was highly favored of the Lord. Do we recognize the great blessings we receive from the Lord in spite of our trials?
I too have been highly favored of the Lord. My not seeing the possibility of a crime against me wasn't a sign of weakness. On the contrary, it was the Lord's grace upon me. It was strength from Him that I didn't even realize he had cloaked over me out of protection for me. Gracing me with His favor upon me.
I was also reading up on Rudyard Kipling's quotes as I like to know about the author we are reading from (Currently it's Jungle Book) and he has a few favoring women:
"God could not be everywhere, and therefore he made mothers."
"A woman's guess is much more accurate than a man's certainty."
"An ounce of mother is worth a pound of clergy."
But the one that hit me was the one that confirmed wisdom instead of stupidity:
"I always prefer to believe the best of everybody, it saves so much trouble." ~Rudyard Kipling.
Thank you Lord for this gift. I recognize now it's not a curse or weakness to not think like the world would expect me to.
I think if we each look at ourselves and the qualities that we posses, those that we were practically born with, the ones that are different from others, we would see it as a favor from God and not a sign of weakness. Making us all originally different was done on purpose from the perfect woodcarver Himself.
Luv, me
PS It was so fun to be on vacation with you for 2 weeks for Christmas before you need to leave again in 1 week for another month.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Revelation 4:11 "for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created.
Yeah and also a professional back massage once a month too :)
I know you just love leaving me the wallet and the freedom associated with it.
Um. . .I'm serious about the back rubs. Really. And . . . I know I'm spoiled but cum on . . . you want me still standing upright when you return, right?
I know you just love leaving me the wallet and the freedom associated with it.
Um. . .I'm serious about the back rubs. Really. And . . . I know I'm spoiled but cum on . . . you want me still standing upright when you return, right?
Hon,
When I get back, we are definitely going to line up a regular baby sitter for you for the coming year.
I agree with the girls. Crack does kill.
Today we started running more rehearsals for combat care. I hope that I am adequate for the task of training the medics under my care. I am trying to absorbe as much as I can, but in some respects, much of what I am learning now is quite different than what I learned in medical school. The principles are the same, but how those principles are applied in a combat environment are different. Even having gone to USUHS, military doctrine on how to treat hemorrhages, etc. has changed since I learned these techniques a few years ago.
It is good I am here learning, though at times, I am still feeling inadaquate. I guess it is good to realize my own inadequecy though.
I miss you and the children very much. I wish I could give you all a big hug. I don't like being lonely. Fortunately, there is a decent gym on post and a nice dining facility :) so I am keeping busy in my spare time. Looking forward to your company again in a few days! Please hug the children for me.
Love,
Yours
When I get back, we are definitely going to line up a regular baby sitter for you for the coming year.
I agree with the girls. Crack does kill.
Today we started running more rehearsals for combat care. I hope that I am adequate for the task of training the medics under my care. I am trying to absorbe as much as I can, but in some respects, much of what I am learning now is quite different than what I learned in medical school. The principles are the same, but how those principles are applied in a combat environment are different. Even having gone to USUHS, military doctrine on how to treat hemorrhages, etc. has changed since I learned these techniques a few years ago.
It is good I am here learning, though at times, I am still feeling inadaquate. I guess it is good to realize my own inadequecy though.
I miss you and the children very much. I wish I could give you all a big hug. I don't like being lonely. Fortunately, there is a decent gym on post and a nice dining facility :) so I am keeping busy in my spare time. Looking forward to your company again in a few days! Please hug the children for me.
Love,
Yours
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Mosiah 4:27 And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength.
Dear Bear,
This weekend was full. I liked how it kept me busy and my mind active but was difficult to keep up too. I need to find a balance with staying busy with the kids like I'm doing, but then find some babysitter once a week so I can rejuvenate and take it slow. Saturday, I took the kids to a craft fair. Lots of native things sold there. I like learning about what everything is. It was weird having them sell Christmas items with booths set up outside in the warm spring type weather.
We went straight to Emma's dance studio for nutcracker pictures in her angel costumes. We were there for 2 hours waiting. I tried my best to be patient (with the other kids).I was proud of myself so being so pulled together and things going as smooth as they could possibly go considering we had been out all day long and so busy. I'm so glad I get all these homeschool discounts on an account of homeschooling just one kid! $10 a ticket as opposed to $32 is quite a steal. Plus I got to choose where we sat! Since I got there so early I had my choice! I chose the 4th row back. I didn't know whether to scold the girls or to laugh with them when they couldn't stop giggling in the car at the prince in the ballet wearing his 'see-thru' white tights. "Say no to crack" they would repeat together. I liked how they were enjoying each other as sisters but not necessarily the topic matter.
Today (Sun) we went to Brian McArthur's farewell open house. I was sitting with a couple of sisters and they were asking if there was anything they could do while you were gone this month relating to Christmas preparations. I replied no. . .but then said, actually there is a favor you could do for me. "Could you scratch my back? I need some touch fulfillment." I had a nice back scratch for about 10 minutes and she had nails too! Debbie had told me they're 'just having soup and salad and to not bring anything!' But I knew better! In Hawaiin language that means, 'I have the main dish of _____ you bring whatever goes with that. I tested out my knowlege and brought a huge bowl of home-made donut holes. As soon as I arrived someone snatched it from me and asked 'side dish or dessert?' so they could get it in the correct section of the kitchen. I stood up taller (even though I'm taller than most already) because I am improving in my assimilation.
I still find myself on edge about learning the culture though, as today while eating soup I said, "Mmmm this carrot and apple soup is good! I made this once but it turned out gross!" Someone asked me, 'Did you just say gross?' I immediatly was on guard and asked, "Oh is that like a mainlander word or something?" It wasn't and she just hadn't heard me but look how sensitive I am about it. Shesh. Having the babysitter once a week would be better than a girls night in. That might just put more on my plate. I'd rather just go to there house anyway. They always have better things to eat.
Luv, Shan
My Dear Shandra,
It was so good to be able to talk with you on the phone tonight. Though I haven't really expressed this on the blog yet, as you know, I have had many mixed emotions the past few weeks. I would like to say that I am not bothered by it and always have the eternal perspective in view. Such would not be honest to say, however.
At times, I am angry about the upcoming deployment and our pending separation. I have feelings of anxiety about it at times as well. I would be lying if I said that I never have thoughts about the potential for harm to happen. This is unlikely, I know, but these thoughts still cross my mind at times. The biggest concern I have isn't so much for my own well being (though I am somewhat ashamed to admit that at times, I am concerned for this too) but more so is a concern that you could be left without the emotional or physical support you need... When these thoughts are present, there are then feelings of mild self-loathing that I would even have such feelings... after all, I'm not the one out there "pulling the trigger..." I know we committed to something, so I don't really have any specific feelings of anger to any one individual, but just that our world is such that this situation even exists at all. I don't like writing these emotions and feelings down because I feel like you need me to be strong. However, talking with you has helped me to realize that seeing where I am weak may help strengthen you as well.
I try to keep an eternal perspective on things and do feel comfort when able to view the situation from this mountain top. This assurance does predominate over feelings of fear, anxiety or depression that do sometimes cross my mind. However, I must admit that at times my natural man takes over as well and I am certainly not excited about the coming growing experience. I know it is a privelidge (and feel honored as well) to be able to serve those young men of ours who are putting far more on the line than I and those families which are sacrificing far more than ours. When realizing this, there are sometimes feelings of shame that I even would be upset or dissapointed about being deployed... though why shouldn't I... being away from my children and wife who need me as well?
I know... a confusing array of contradictory emotions and thoughts. Part of the human experience?
Your blog entries have deeply touched me on multiple occasions. I am thankful you are able to express yourself so eloquently. Hopefully, the entries I share will be such that you are able to draw closer to me as well. I don't think I am as good at writing what I am feeling and thinking as you are. I will work on it.
In the words of an infantry man a couple of days ago, "Guys don't talk about how they feel."
Maybe this is part of the reason why as a neurologist I see many conversion disorders come through my doors (difficulty walking, seeing, remembering, etc.). Conversion disorders by definition are psychogenic in origin. If emotional stressors aren't expressed, defined and dealt with consciously, they will emerge subconsciously.
I hope you have a wonderful evening. Sorry to hear about the 0830 church next year... what a year huh?! A part of me smiles when I think of how you love getting up in the morning... Again contradictory emotions though. I am only smiling because I love you. I really do feel bad about how much harder this is going to make your Sundays.
Take care and I will see you in a few days.
Love,
Me
p.s. Nothing beats writing in this room with people looking over my shoulder looking at what I am writing. Makes me feel GRRREAAT!! (you have to imagine Tony the Tiger now and a bowl of frosted flakes:)
It was so good to be able to talk with you on the phone tonight. Though I haven't really expressed this on the blog yet, as you know, I have had many mixed emotions the past few weeks. I would like to say that I am not bothered by it and always have the eternal perspective in view. Such would not be honest to say, however.
At times, I am angry about the upcoming deployment and our pending separation. I have feelings of anxiety about it at times as well. I would be lying if I said that I never have thoughts about the potential for harm to happen. This is unlikely, I know, but these thoughts still cross my mind at times. The biggest concern I have isn't so much for my own well being (though I am somewhat ashamed to admit that at times, I am concerned for this too) but more so is a concern that you could be left without the emotional or physical support you need... When these thoughts are present, there are then feelings of mild self-loathing that I would even have such feelings... after all, I'm not the one out there "pulling the trigger..." I know we committed to something, so I don't really have any specific feelings of anger to any one individual, but just that our world is such that this situation even exists at all. I don't like writing these emotions and feelings down because I feel like you need me to be strong. However, talking with you has helped me to realize that seeing where I am weak may help strengthen you as well.
I try to keep an eternal perspective on things and do feel comfort when able to view the situation from this mountain top. This assurance does predominate over feelings of fear, anxiety or depression that do sometimes cross my mind. However, I must admit that at times my natural man takes over as well and I am certainly not excited about the coming growing experience. I know it is a privelidge (and feel honored as well) to be able to serve those young men of ours who are putting far more on the line than I and those families which are sacrificing far more than ours. When realizing this, there are sometimes feelings of shame that I even would be upset or dissapointed about being deployed... though why shouldn't I... being away from my children and wife who need me as well?
I know... a confusing array of contradictory emotions and thoughts. Part of the human experience?
Your blog entries have deeply touched me on multiple occasions. I am thankful you are able to express yourself so eloquently. Hopefully, the entries I share will be such that you are able to draw closer to me as well. I don't think I am as good at writing what I am feeling and thinking as you are. I will work on it.
In the words of an infantry man a couple of days ago, "Guys don't talk about how they feel."
Maybe this is part of the reason why as a neurologist I see many conversion disorders come through my doors (difficulty walking, seeing, remembering, etc.). Conversion disorders by definition are psychogenic in origin. If emotional stressors aren't expressed, defined and dealt with consciously, they will emerge subconsciously.
I hope you have a wonderful evening. Sorry to hear about the 0830 church next year... what a year huh?! A part of me smiles when I think of how you love getting up in the morning... Again contradictory emotions though. I am only smiling because I love you. I really do feel bad about how much harder this is going to make your Sundays.
Take care and I will see you in a few days.
Love,
Me
p.s. Nothing beats writing in this room with people looking over my shoulder looking at what I am writing. Makes me feel GRRREAAT!! (you have to imagine Tony the Tiger now and a bowl of frosted flakes:)
Love you.
Dear Shan,
I read section 132 today. I have felt a great deal of solace and reassurance the last few days regarding our eternal covenants and our sealing. This has been a great source of strength to me despite the knowledge that we will be temporally separated for a time. Perhaps in the same way you had the experience of knowing we are One as you read the passage in the New Testament, this has been affirmed to me as well.
I have complete confidence in your ability to function on our behalf while I am gone. I also have complete confidence that our family will be blessed. All of these things work together for our good, and we will both be better people as a result of this experience. I think we can grow even closer together as a result of this as well. In the long run, I think this will also serve as a blessing for our children.
I love you and hope you are having a wonderful day. I look forward to seeing you and the children on Saturday. Please continue to include me in your prayers. I feel the strength of their power. Likewise, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't pray for your welfare and the well-being of the children at least several times a day.
Love,
Me
I read section 132 today. I have felt a great deal of solace and reassurance the last few days regarding our eternal covenants and our sealing. This has been a great source of strength to me despite the knowledge that we will be temporally separated for a time. Perhaps in the same way you had the experience of knowing we are One as you read the passage in the New Testament, this has been affirmed to me as well.
I have complete confidence in your ability to function on our behalf while I am gone. I also have complete confidence that our family will be blessed. All of these things work together for our good, and we will both be better people as a result of this experience. I think we can grow even closer together as a result of this as well. In the long run, I think this will also serve as a blessing for our children.
I love you and hope you are having a wonderful day. I look forward to seeing you and the children on Saturday. Please continue to include me in your prayers. I feel the strength of their power. Likewise, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't pray for your welfare and the well-being of the children at least several times a day.
Love,
Me
Saturday, December 11, 2010
My Dearest Shandra,
I am so blessed to have you in my life. You know we are One forever, right? There is no true separation. We are eternally connected. That stretches far beyond the bounds of space and time of our current state.
It is good to hear that Ben is coming out of his shell interacting with other adults. I am happy about the other gifts God is giving you as well.
I look forward to seeing you in one week and again feel so fortunate to have you as the matriarch of our eternal family.
Love,
Me
I am so blessed to have you in my life. You know we are One forever, right? There is no true separation. We are eternally connected. That stretches far beyond the bounds of space and time of our current state.
It is good to hear that Ben is coming out of his shell interacting with other adults. I am happy about the other gifts God is giving you as well.
I look forward to seeing you in one week and again feel so fortunate to have you as the matriarch of our eternal family.
Love,
Me
Hebrews 13:5 "for He hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee."
Dear Ja,
I woke up this morning with a song in my head. You know when your dreaming of a song and the melody of a song just keeps repeating over and over? I didn't know what song it was so I just lied there humming it outloud waiting for the lyrics to come to me. Eventually, they did. . . http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZKrf11XmnI
Sorry. I don't mean to make you cry. Both women in this song are me. The first is when your gone. The second is when you return. The words are exactly the same, but with my story behind it. While you are gone I'm going to be alone at night with my heart still believing that you will return. When you come back, I'm sure you will be a different person, as will I. You may have difficulties assimilating back to family life or have some post-symtoms but I will still beilieve our hearts can mend our different experiences we have together so nothing keeps us apart. I will still believe whether we are physically apart or even emotionally apart at times we can journey together to bring us together as one line upon line.
There comes a time in every ones life, as difficult as it may be, when we learn to turn the page, and enter into a new chapter in our lives. When we do we will find Jesus right there to help us with every step we take. My human nature feelings of 'abandonment' sufaces sometimes. I know it's not true and you have no choice over this, but our bodies are fallen and have a way of responding irrationally. I was told this morning that when I live life through those songs to remember, "he Hath said I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee." Don't worry. . .Heavenly Father is just allowing me to keep seeing things with my spiritual eyes when my temporal eyes fight for attention. This will allow me to continue loving without reserves blocking my heart for fear of hurt.
Luv, me
PS: How come I always leave the computer with swollen eyes and a stuffy nose?
I woke up this morning with a song in my head. You know when your dreaming of a song and the melody of a song just keeps repeating over and over? I didn't know what song it was so I just lied there humming it outloud waiting for the lyrics to come to me. Eventually, they did. . . http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZKrf11XmnI
Sorry. I don't mean to make you cry. Both women in this song are me. The first is when your gone. The second is when you return. The words are exactly the same, but with my story behind it. While you are gone I'm going to be alone at night with my heart still believing that you will return. When you come back, I'm sure you will be a different person, as will I. You may have difficulties assimilating back to family life or have some post-symtoms but I will still beilieve our hearts can mend our different experiences we have together so nothing keeps us apart. I will still believe whether we are physically apart or even emotionally apart at times we can journey together to bring us together as one line upon line.
There comes a time in every ones life, as difficult as it may be, when we learn to turn the page, and enter into a new chapter in our lives. When we do we will find Jesus right there to help us with every step we take. My human nature feelings of 'abandonment' sufaces sometimes. I know it's not true and you have no choice over this, but our bodies are fallen and have a way of responding irrationally. I was told this morning that when I live life through those songs to remember, "he Hath said I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee." Don't worry. . .Heavenly Father is just allowing me to keep seeing things with my spiritual eyes when my temporal eyes fight for attention. This will allow me to continue loving without reserves blocking my heart for fear of hurt.
Luv, me
PS: How come I always leave the computer with swollen eyes and a stuffy nose?
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